Ok you can laugh at me now

今早起床

我写了封e-mail

内容大致是这样的

Mr Daniel Yew,

This is to inform you that I do not intend to proceed with my application to UK universities.

我看了很久

后来又改了

改成了

May I know if it is too late if I submit my UCAS application in these two days?

下午

我收到的回复是

Yes, you may submit your application within these two days

我感谢今早的自己

没有因为害怕后果

而放弃申请

事情是这样的

UCAS deadline 是15/1

但学校给我们UCAS Application 的截止日期是8/12

那时我就玩啊玩

心想着UK也没scholarships

也不想写Personal Statement

所以就不管了

前两天

一个朋友就说了又劝

劝了又说

搞得我又有点害怕自己后悔

所以就继续申请了

昨晚睡前又想了很久

现在才交应该会被骂死

而且负责老师是Ms Shawna Lim （我很喜欢的一个老师）

可能Testimonial也遭殃

所以为了顾全大局

还是不申请吧

所以我今早写了那封email

其实我现在还在写Personal Statement

这一整天

除了开心

就只有感激

开心

是因为以为被判了死刑

但却被给了个努力的机会

感激

老师的那句虽短却意义重大的回复

也谢谢当时在线跟我分享这喜悦的ZW

回去写Statement 了

不然就白开心一场了

Bye UK

Ok I am a failure

really wanted to go UK

but I am not even applying

When people ask 'why', maybe I will say 'there's no scholarships'

but the real reason is

I missed the school deadline to submit UCAS application

and I am lazy to go through the process of getting scolded for not doing things before the deadline bla bla bla

so bye bye UK...

I googled how to get rid of this

Ok I am a bad person

I am sorry

Really want to write it here

but I CAN'T

because people read this!

Anyway I am still nice for not writing it here

Please go away...

Give me a peaceful christmas

Google doesn't help.

Random

失去了原来从来不属于自己的东西

竟然也会如此难过

Move on, move on....

Morning without the smell of NJ

Woke up in the morning

I thought I would hear someone cutting the grass outside my room

and cleaners cleaning the toilet

When I turn to my right

I would see Zhang Yue's blanket and her Pooh bear

That's how I woke up in weekends' mornings

Then, I opened my eyes

and saw my room at home.

I will never go back to the room 204 anymore.

Happy Holiday everyone!

End of a 4-Year-Chapter

I am Home!!!

There are so many things to update here but I am really lazy now.

Life in Singapore ends with wonderful memories with 10SH23.

Will definitely miss you guys!

过了重重难关之后

先是要说

我考完试了

不算完全考完

就剩下周的两张选择题

一直期待着今天的4.30pm

当学校TF11时钟指着4点半的时候

也表示A level Pharm Chem 将从此离开我的生活

它像是一颗很重很重的石头压了在我身上一年

有时还会因为它担心得睡不着

我不会在这里写说考试考得怎么样

不想去回忆

不想去知道

直到成绩放榜的那一天

考完不久之后

一个H3同学打电话来问我

"Hey do you want to BURN YOUR NOTES?"

我就开始狂笑

还是第一次听人那么认真地问这个问题

可见这科目给大家造成了多大的压力

但我没有后悔

我是真的感兴趣

只是考试总是考不好

也很庆幸有一群有点神经质的朋友

考前十五分钟竟然在考场外像疯子那样

笑得乱七八糟

上课的时候也经常那样

虽然我经常说自己不喜欢新加坡

ok...我依然没有很喜欢新加坡

但我觉得今年的我很幸福

没有什么理由

就是种感觉

虽然还是有不如意的时候

但是整体上来说是很快乐的一年

主要应该是因为出现在身边的人

真的很感激他们的存在

再写就不知道要写到哪里去了

今天要好好休息

祝我好运

真的很害怕

从昨天考完Physics 到现在

心情完全没有平复过

要考H3

才发现自己真的很害怕失败

我真的特别特别希望能考好这一科

111111

Finished 5 papers

8 more to go! 

Jiayou! 

Lunch

My lunch today

Maggi curry + egg

I don't know why it looks so ugly here

but it was nice

especially the half-cooked egg yolk

Haha...sorry I am quite bored, so I will just post any random stuff in my life for these few weeks.

9 days to As!

电话号码

有些号码

可以从手机里删了

但却记在心里了

比如

我家的电话号码

Organic Chem Textbook

Studying H3 today

When I get bored I like doing this to my book

I like colourful textbooks

And I am gonna let this book stay with me until forever :)

10 days left!

暴风雨前夕

这两天很平静

我知道要考试了

可能这就是暴风雨前夕的平静

只剩下11 天的时间了

但是我睡得还算安稳

还没有失眠的情况

心情也很平静

我喜欢坐在宿舍的Dining hall

特别是周日的早上

或是周五周六的一整天

那群活泼的小孩子不会在我周围大吵大闹

不喜欢他们在宿舍吵

主要是因为那让我无法专心做该做的事

可能也是因为有点不甘

自己回不去那些跟一群朋友一起笑得乱七八糟的日子

重点是

要考试了

我开始学会把它看成是我一生的一小部分

（但我不得不承认我依然很在乎）

也发现了它就是我在新加坡这四年的一个总结

对。。。四年的日子就这样过去了

还很清晰地记得在循中上课的最后一天

站在教室外面对着宝羚沈渊哭

我偶尔还会怀恋那D101教室

人应该向前看的

暂时还看不见远方的什么

但是讲义就在我面前

该去看了

Have a nice weekend! :)

不要跟我讲福建话

今天中午坐在宿舍的一个pantry读书

不久后一个打扫清洁的安娣就推着装了各种肥皂、抹布etc  etc 的推车走来

因为之前看她在另一个pantry拖地

为了不要挡着她工作

我就问：“安娣，你是不是要抹地？”

准备收拾东西离开

安娣就开始“#%$%^@&%^$$#@#2”，说了一堆我听不懂的福建话

最后说了两句“抹好了，早就抹好了！（还是福建话，不过我听懂）”

还好听懂了这两句（应该只有这两句有在回答我问题）

我跟安娣微笑点点头，“噢”了两声，继续看我的书

安娣好像发现了我不是很懂她在讲什么

后来就开始用中文跟我聊

问我熨斗是不是没有关电，怎么好像有个味道（其实已经关了）

又问我掉在地上的纸写些什么 （写着烘干机不能用）

最后安娣擦完了桌子要推着她的车走了

走前她跟我讲：“等下你写完字之后记得off the light ho。”

这安娣真是trilingual…

我现在闷得快疯了

其实很多事要做

很多书要读

不过我现在看到那一叠叠的纸就想睡觉

就趁这个机会在这里跟大家讲一声

会讲中文或英文的话就请不要跟我讲福建话

我只会面无表情地看着你

回去读书  :)

一个人

一个人拿着杯珍珠奶茶在街上漫无目的地走着

其实很好玩

今天原本是在图书馆读书的

结果不知是因为感冒还是什么一直无法专心

六点多就离开了

之后就在bugis到处乱逛

虽然伤风伤得我头有少少的痛

鼻子又红眼又肿

独自一个人走在街上可能看起来就像个失恋的女人

管那些谁怎么想

看着一个个陌生的脸从我身边经过

还有那些装潢很漂亮但没什么生意的店铺

当时有点希望自己可以一直这样一个人地走着

后来心情突然变得很好

不过我依然希望

那个突然不回我短讯的人

明天走在路上被狗追

然后撞到电灯柱

再掉进满是青蛙的沟渠里

能忍则忍

I am thankful that my parents have taught me well, to be polite even when facing those rude and inconsiderate people. When I feel like being vulgar to them, I can still SMILE at them.

I love GP

I went for consultation with my GP tutor this morning. It was my first formal consultation with a teacher since I enter JC. Er…no…First formal consultation in my life actually. Because of my terrible GP results, my GP tutor did ask to go through some essay questions with me when she came to my boarding school during some weekends. But we ended up talking more about some other random stuff rather than GP.

I actually signed up for today’s consultation with Xiaojun but she decided to abandon me and go for Economics lesson instead. So I was alone with Ms Khoo. Then we started going through my two essay plans. For the first one which I spent one hour preparing, I think she felt that I was writing mostly irrelevant stuff and my approach was like ‘wrong’. So we were redoing that question. Hmm…guess what…our final approach for that question was just the same as my initial way of answering it. But to her (or maybe to any GP teachers), they are different. That is also why I could never score well for GP.

For the second essay, I didn’t dare to show her my plan because I did not want to see the ‘oh no, she is hopeless’ face again. So I was telling her why educational qualifications are reliable or unreliable in measuring a person’s true abilities. Luckily she did not show me the disappointing face anymore.

Yeah….GP I love you. 

让我埋怨一下

刚刚问妆玟如果她突然跟她妈说不想上大学了
她妈妈会有什么反应
妆玟说她应该会蛮ok的
反正她以后要做的事情跟上不上大学没什么关系


其实我会问她那么奇怪的一个问题
是因为我这几天一直在想我到底要做什么
更是发现了我真的不喜欢读书
我没有那种‘求知欲’
我一直都在读是因为我必须读
因为没有办法想象不好好读的后果
我应该承受不起

三星期后就开始考试了
在宿舍没法专心读
到外面去大部分时间我都在张白纸上乱涂鸦
真的不知道自己到底在做什么
其实没有考到自己想要的成绩  就不能活了吗？
上了什么著名大学就算是成功了吗？


好了
说完了
你们知道的
不管我埋怨了多少
我就是不会有那个勇气不去读的


所以叻
我妈应该不可能听到我很认真地说我不想上大学了

呵呵
恢复正常吧  芷欣

Ignore me

I was angry because I still care about it.
When I have no feeling towards anything anymore, it simply means that I don't care anymore.



Stop guessing what I mean.

Ponteng :P

Good morning. So I am 'sick' today. And I realise this place where I have been staying for 1.5 years is actually a prison.

If you are staying in my boarding school, when you are sick and are not going to school, you have to report to the office at 7.30am so they will know that you are sick. But I happily slept until 8am today.

If you do not report, a matron will come up to your room to check whether you are alive. They will know that you are still in the boarding school because you have to tap your card to get the doors open and to leave the hostel. Basically they can track your location at a specific time if you ever use your card to open a door. And there are doors everywhere in the boarding school!

So the Curtain Lady (her hair looks like curtain) came to my room when my friend called and told me that they would come and find me. And I was still wrapped in my blanket. 'Chew Zhi Xin, Chew Zhi Xin. It's 8.30am already. So how?' I felt like telling her, 'What so how? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM SICK?' Looking 'sick' and sleepy, I told her, 'Erm...I am...sick.'

She didn't even ask me how I am feeling. Then she went on and said things like 'Do you know that you have to report at 7.30' and 'I give you a chance and you go and report now.' Hello, if people are really sick do you think they will be able to go down and report to you?! But interestingly, most people who are 'sick' do go down.

That's not the end of the story. You still have to get a medical certificate and submit it to the office. I thought it is only the teachers' duty to check MC. My friend said his friend 'died' because he didn't get a MC last time. To make sure that I will still be alive to enjoy my holiday after these 2 months, I decided not to take any risks.


Going to see doctor now. Bye!

生命不在于长短 而在于价值

周四放学回到宿舍  打开电脑

Facebook Newsfeed 出现无数个R.I.P Steve Jobs

一个传奇人物的离去总是那么的让人震惊

大家都说希望他R.I.P

但当你的名字或是你说过的话没五秒就被Copy & Paste 在Facebook 上

你还能Rest in Peace 吗？

抱歉Steve Jobs

我也在打扰你

因为我也像大家那么佩服你

主要不是因为你的Apple

而是你让我看见

生命不在于长短  而在于价值

It is Thursday again

It is Thursday again and tomorrow is a Friday.

I was like telling the world that I wanted to skip school today. Eventually, I woke up at 8.10am, stoned on my bed for 5 minutes and decided to go to school. School starts at 8.40am on Thursdays.

Joping didn’t go to school for two days and it was Xiaojun’s turn today. Joping and I had a good chat as we camped at the OAC store during Math lecture. After recharging herself at home for two days, she has really become more energetic. I always believe that it is useful to skip school for one or two days but an MC costs me $5 and it is just not worthwhile to spend $5 to buy one or two hours of sleep. And I am lazy to think of ways of explaining to the teacher about my absence. 

This period of preparing for A-levels is truly enjoyable, though I still hate having lessons and doing homework. I am glad to have a bunch of really nice friends around me. They may not be the nicest or the smartest people on the Earth, but they are good people who deserve to succeed in life. And somehow, I think we all look pretty in school uniform.

Another random and messy post. But life is never tidy and structured. Yup, so this is my life.

Timetable

Sometimes I wonder why do I always fail to follow my timetable, even if I allow myself to read only one topic in three hours. Now I realise it is because there is no sufficient time allocated for me to be emotional, happy or simply to stare at the ceiling thinking of who I am.

It is ok to allow myself to be lazy. At least I am not a robot.

Tomorrow will be another good day, no matter whether it is productive or not. =)

我想死啊！

从来没试过那么想杀了自己
打了那么多
结果不知发什么神经
手多按了Ctrl + W
然后当那个”Do you want to save your changes to the file" 跳出来的时候
我竟然按了"No"
真想杀了自己！

朋友啊朋友

我知道你知道，只是你不知道我知道你知道。=)

没想到，一个朋友会因为我说了自己对他一些举动的不满而那么生气。我谢谢他也那么直接地说出这么久以来他对我的看法，至少我总算明白了。

我那个朋友说，他知道我一直以来不喜欢他这个朋友，他学习有困难时我刻意不帮他，因为害怕他会比我好，还说我瞧不起他。他也生气我，说我哪一科已经考得比他好，却依然不开心。

这事情让我很难过。

我不知道他是怎么“知道”我不喜欢他的。他的这句话让我很无奈。当然，我承认，我没有大方得"喜欢"身边朋友的每一个缺点。我偶尔会对他有些不满，但我都直接让他知道了，之后就再也没有生气他了，除了一件事，我一直放在心上。但那件事并没有让我去讨厌这个朋友，毕竟他没有做错什么，只是我依然有个打不开的心结。所以我想说，你误会了。

学业的问题，朋友说，要我问他问题，考一考他。我真的问了，可能每次问的不多，那是因为我也不知道能问什么，问得太简单他是不是会感觉我瞧不起他？我懂得的也有限，去哪找那么多那么难的问题？所以当他说，“你不问我问题，是因为你怕我知道些什么，会让我变得比你好”时，我似乎也不能怪她，那么长一段时间的交情，换来的竟然是这种评价，是我的失败。

朋友说我瞧不起他。我怎么敢呢？他多才多艺，我什么都不会，我还怕他看不起我呐。

又回到成绩。因为我得了B而朋友没得B，那我就没有不开心的理由了？我不开心是因为不满意自己的成绩，只要成绩单上写的不是A（对一些人来说只要不是全级最佳），没有人会满意自己的成绩的。如果我仅仅因为自己考得比朋友好而感觉挺开心的话，那朋友不是更应该提防我这种人吗？

也不能怪这朋友，毕竟有这样想法的人不止他一个。当我告诉一些朋友说谁谁谁因为考了C，而不是很开心的时候，朋友就会马上很激动地说“我D ok？！”

这个世界挺可爱的。虽然说我们都要懂得惜福，但你总不能强迫人家以你的成绩为标准来决定自己要快乐还是难过吧？这些事情，不能直接说，说了就翻脸了。朋友们看了觉得我说错了，那就骂我几句吧。

但要提醒大家一点就是，我不会用你说的一句话来衡量你。


写了那么长，是因为我真的很难过，毕竟这是我很珍惜的一个朋友。他不开心不如意的时候我尝试帮他，或是至少听他诉苦，但他始终不相信我，还当着我的面说：“我在这里没有朋友。”。

我也没有办法做什么了。

心情

现在这种到底是什么心情啊

难过无奈不安全参杂在一起

真想倒下睡着后再也不醒来

相信你的感觉

Trust your feeling, especially when you are undecided.

I totally forgot about preparing an Econs essay which Mr Hussian said he would be going through in class today. It was during morning assembly when Xiaojun told me that we had to do that question so I ended up scribbling my ‘plan’ for the essay during Chemistry lesson and I was sitting right at the first row. I had never chosen to do work for other subjects during lessons since I entered JC but somehow the feeling was just so strong that I had to force myself to do Econs in front of my Chemistry teacher despite the disapproval in my friends’ eyes.

Then during Econs lesson, Mr Hussain put his whiteboard marker on my desk, meaning, I had to write my answer on the board. It is really rare that he would do that in class. Although my answer really lacked analysis, at least I had sensible things to write. Otherwise, it would have been a huge embarrassment for me.

So, trust your feeling, as long as it is not asking you to kill or to rob.

I am still trying to figure out what went wrong after getting back my Math papers today. I felt ok after doing Paper 1 and felt horrible after Paper 2. Yet, the scores for my both papers were exactly the same.

Hmm…so, the conclusion is, you may count on your feelings to make decisions but they are not that useful when it comes to predicting your own results.

Okay, time to go back to study. Hope I don’t get anymore demoralising results tomorrow.

Whatever you think I am talking about

I thought I have a lot to write, but there isn't much to share here actually. My blog is depressing enough so I guess it is time to stop complaining here.

Now we are going back to school for normal lessons. Six more weeks to A-levels but I am not ready to start studying yet. The teachers are good, friends are nice and the weather is ok. Everything is fine and I was able to concentrate in class for the past two days though the results were demoralising. Perhaps I should really stop dreaming about getting whichever scholarships to bring me out of Singapore. 

If you hate me simply because you think that I should not be sad over my results, go ahead. I won't care because everyone has the right to decide how they feel about their own things. 

I am reading this book about a girl, Jasmine Yow, a Malaysian scholar who was studying in my school a few years back and was (is still) suffering from depression. It sort of motivated me because I can't afford to become like her. I simply do not have the money to go back and take up a course in some private college if I don't do well. She is really a very talented girl and you just cannot deny the fact that Singapore had, to some extent, ruined the life of a smart and beautiful teenager. 

Oh no, it is getting depressing again. I should actually feel lucky that I am not suffering from any mental disorders at this stage and can still think positive about life. Most importantly, I do not have parents who set really high expectations on me. I always remember mum telling me to sleep and rest and not to push myself too hard. 

Being a good daughter, I actually listen to her and slept for 3 hours just now. I always wonder if someone has put some hypnotic drug in my room. My roommate slept even longer than me.

Rest for 2 more days and I will start studying. It is gonna be December soon. :)

Lies

What do you do when someone is lying to you and it is so obvious that he/she is lying?

I just do not understand why is there a need to hide the truth from me. I don't really care about whatever the truth is but I just don't get the reason why you lied to me.

Whatever. It is not the first time anyway.




What I am gonna do next is to play for a few days, plan my timetable for the coming 2 months and....STUDY.
21/40 for Chemistry MCQ. It is a D grade. Just hoping that no one in the world knows that I am actually a H3 Chemistry student. I was talking to my friend and once I get back the paper, I think I was mute for at least half and hour. I thought the paper was ok and should be able to get at least a C or B. Perhaps I just overestimated myself. So it's time to face the truth. I am not smart and the only way to get good results is to study hard (though I still do not really understand the point of getting good results). Still, I have to get it, just in case I regret in the future.


Sometimes we lie to ourselves by saying that it's ok and everything will be fine. When we are not even being honest to ourselves, how can we expect others to be honest to us? So I should forgive the friend who lied to me. Yeah.


This post is messy. It doesn't matter if you do not understand. Haha..
 

Just some random updates

There are simply too many things to blog about.

Firstly, Prelims is over as I finished the H3 Pharmaceautical Chemistry paper which I have planned to fail. In fact I think last year paper was harder but assuming that I could score 15/100 for last year’s Prelim, I am happy enough if I can get 30/100 for the paper today. I am not exaggerating. I got 25/100 for my Common Test.

Most of my friends finished their paper on Monday and I was really bored staying in the Boarding School, so I actually went for dinner with a friend from another school on Monday. He was actually having Physcis paper 3 on the next day but we still had dinner until 8.30pm. It doesn’t really matter to him I guess cauz he is just smart enough to do well without doing much revision. Haha…Anyway, my main point is just that Malaysians are always the nicest people to talk to, and there are endless topics to talk about when Malaysians come together (maybe there are some exceptions, I don’t know).

Watched 2 movies continuously today. ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ and ‘Final Destination 5’. ‘Crazy’ was funny and worth watching. Somehow I remember this line from one very insignificant guy to his girlfriend in the show the most – ‘I need time to figure out how I feel about us.’ The girl should have scolded him asshole or anything more than that. Haha…’Final’ was the second movie. Perhaps it’s because we were too tired watching two movies continuously, it wasn’t that nice to watch. I think people nowadays are just crazy or have some kind of mental disorders. They try to entertain themselves by making or watching movie about people dying in different ways. 

By the way, the guy checking the tickets at the entrance asked whether I was 18. I wanted to tell him that I am about to be 20. But it is a good thing that I look young. Lalala…

I will just stop here today. Quite a lot of things happened in these two weeks but I am not in the mood of writing so much yet.

School starts tomorrow L  and I hate it when I have to sit in class or LT listening to people blablabla about how to score in exams.

加油啊！

I am scared

and my heat beats really quickly, especially when I am trying to sleep

it takes really long for me to fall asleep every night

I am eating chocolate trying to make myself relax

it is quite stupid because dopamine is just going to make me more excited

and my heart continues to beat quickly

Finally I called home

Mum answered the phone and we chatted for a while

I think it is getting ok.

I know I am not the only one feeling scared

Jiayou, all my dear friends (Joping, Xiaojun, Zhuangwen, Qianying, Qiyuen, Bernadette, Yeeching and Zhang Yue)

8 more papers to go! 

多管闲事

我向来不喜欢管他人的事情

只要对方不主动开口问

朋友怎么处理自己个人的问题我也不喜欢多给意见

但有一天

我发现

如果自己不开口

你可能永远都不会意识到自己的问题

所以我提醒你

希望再也不会听见任何对你负面的评价

你好像明白了

但你的行动却告诉我你没有明白

我以为是我没说清楚

所以我又一再地提醒

但你似乎根本没有想过要改变

可能你有自己的原因

可能我了解事情得不够全面

但是在我知道所谓的你的原因之前

我会继续把你看成是个自私的人

为了个人的目标可以变得很自私的人

也许我会再提醒你最后一次

但我以后真的不想管你了

因为我不喜欢失望的感觉

这样的过程

只让我对一个多年的朋友感到越来越陌生

我真心希望你达到自己的目标

我想知道你会想要与谁分享

更想知道会有谁真心愿意分享你的喜悦

我不会像以前那样

听到你跟我报告好消息时

打从心底为你开心

除非在那之前你让我看见你的改变

祝你好运

我不想考了

又是让人心灰意冷的一次考试

Most probably I wrote out of point for GP composition

And I didn't finish writing for Econs

Ya...Hussain will say that if you give me 3 hours I also will not be able to finish

but my 'didn't finish' means I didn't even meet the requirements for that question

the question which Hussain said was "very easy right? We went through in class and you just go in and write"

erm....no time = not easy, okay....

Anyway, like what he said

we should just move on and not think about those papers anymore

I hope I can...

最近竟然失眠了。。。

Lion

同学说这个月马来西亚人到新加坡动物园可享有50%折扣

突然让我想起我还没见到的狮子

呵呵

可惜这个月预考

看来我与狮子真是没缘

等我

总有一天我们会见面的

生存

要生存呢

就是要在适当的时候说适当的话

只要不伤天害理

必要时还必须耍些小手段

社会越来越现实

学校果然是在为学生未来在社会上的生活奠定基础

好消息是

我可以回家了!

我回不回家还要让你管？

不好意思

又要发牢骚了

我那么大的一个人

你可以说十八岁还不算非常的成熟

可是我学校假期要回家三天都不能被批准吗？

回家就回家啊

还需要跟你报告回家的理由？

不然你告诉我你每天下班之后为什么要回家叻？

这什么世界？！

Not so depressing anymore

其实我还蛮享受现在的生活的

简单有规律又不颓废

至少我知道自己现在在做什么

我有可爱又搞笑的朋友

还有虽然已嫁了出去但依然对我很好的室友

我有能力为自己作决定解决问题

大部分时候我都可以选择要做些什么事

肚子饿的时候还有能力买食物吃

其实我现在真的过得很好

也喜欢现在所学的科目

只是知道四个月后我的生活将会有巨大改变

偶尔难免会慌张着急

会经过这里看看我的近况的朋友们

谢谢你们的关心

我正在好好地活着

也会继续好好地活着

: )

我凌乱的书桌

突然有一股冲动把我这桌上所有的东西收进个箱子里

然后烧掉

我的生活有够乱的

谢谢blogger

让我发泄了一下

YES I WAS OFFENDED IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE ANSWER

长长的总结

最近每一天都过得好累

一直告诉自己要振作

不知道怎么心情总是很糟

很想让自己心情好起来

所以有事没事我都在唱歌

还好我同学跟室友都还算是很有耐心的人

不好意思啦

要你们忍受我那

呵呵

不是特别好听的歌声

越来越没有心情念书

还有不到三个礼拜就预考了

总觉得读书没什么意思

有点找不到生活的目标的感觉

呵呵

心情一直很不好

放学后回到宿舍

也不知是因为太累

还是因为心情不好的感觉真的很难受  想逃避

所以我一睡就是至少两个小时

晚上也没法专心温习

一时看着镜子对自己说话

一时坐在床上唱歌

要不然就睁大眼睛躺在床上

这礼拜该做的事都没做完

有点担心自己会得精神病

室友跟同学经常都说我神经质

害我现在也开始怀疑自己的精神问题

我宁愿我是考试压力太大

至少那能推动我用功一点

但我却一点动力也没有

只是心情很不好很不好

也不知道为什么

每天恍恍惚惚的

Deactivate 了Facebook

想让自己专心一点

现在发觉自己专不专心跟Facebook 也没什么关系

现在还是一样什么都没复习

周末应该就会activate了吧

哈哈

怎么那么失败

如果我这个人可以爽快一点

那应该有多好

我心情不好时就可以摆在脸上告诉全世界

不想上课就干脆不要去学校

想搞清楚一件事就直接去问

唉

看来我的静坐的成果也不是很好

依然看不开

也放不下很多事情

所以叻

就会每天戴着个面具

连小丑都有个真的面具可以戴

他可以在面具背后做任何表情

大部分人竟然必须戴着人皮造的面具

有点可悲耶

最近左肩一直又酸又痛

加上所有的事情都不是自己所希望的那样

真的好想放假

我想去旅行

我也并不是那么坚强地能够一直积极面对人生

还有

最近学会了一件事情

就是接受自己一个人吃饭

住宿舍那么多年了

始终很难接受一个人吃饭

宁愿吃泡面也不要一个人坐在dining hall

最近好像变老了

没有那么在乎这种事情了

呵呵

有些事总是要慢慢学的

那个同学啊

我答应给你的东西不知道该不该给你

其实你要的话几个礼拜前就可以给你了

只是你说不急

那其实你也不是很在乎吧

那我也不要那么在乎好了

人在自己越在乎的事情面前

越显得没有价值

我也累了

要休息充电了

汽车到加油站加油

可能加了油之后就拐到另一个路口了

这真是愉快的一个礼拜

星期一

物理课我们学设计实验

整堂课几乎不需要写一个字

上了又轻松又有意思的一堂课

星期二

化学测验 自己改了选择题

挺满意自己的分数的

又是开心的一天

星期三

H3 Chemistry test

依然不是很会做

但至少把题都答完了

算是自己小小的进步 :)

见到了半年多没见的姐姐

还请我吃了Pizza

幸福啊！

星期四

原本下午的物理测验

突然说是LT1被其他人订了

让我们带回家做

也让我有机会好好地睡了个午觉

星期五

体育课玩了handball 之后玩frisbee

一直又跑又跳的

傍晚CCA Handover Ceremony

结束了之后有种如释重负的感觉

终于交棒了 :)

这是个又充实又愉快的一个星期

没有人知道

其实这五天我一直难过得要死

康复中

一切都会好的

找回自己

总有些事

会让你愿意放下一直都维护着的尊严

抛开一直以来遵守的原则

我会每天静静地坐着

至少十五分钟

慢慢地找回自己

再也不会为了什么失去自我了

也有冲动的时候

就让我奋不顾身一次吧！

就这么一次

以后不会重复做同样一件事了

人生总该要有不顾一切为目标前进的时候

成败已经不重要了

至少我曾经搬出了那么多的勇气

这样就够了

苦中作乐

每星期最期待的就只剩体育课

唯一可以让我乱跑又乱喊的课

老师说我们班很amazing

可以把所有的事情弄得很好玩

我班同学就说这是苦中作乐

念书念得很苦

体育课真必须好好地玩

那太阳晒得我快中暑

frisbee也让我跑得快断气

但就是很喜欢那草场的感觉