有时候

我觉得自己是幸福的

但是在更多的时候

我却讨厌这种幸福的感觉

让我在其他时候

感觉特别不幸福

It is Thursday again

It is Thursday again and tomorrow is a Friday.

I was like telling the world that I wanted to skip school today. Eventually, I woke up at 8.10am, stoned on my bed for 5 minutes and decided to go to school. School starts at 8.40am on Thursdays.

Joping didn’t go to school for two days and it was Xiaojun’s turn today. Joping and I had a good chat as we camped at the OAC store during Math lecture. After recharging herself at home for two days, she has really become more energetic. I always believe that it is useful to skip school for one or two days but an MC costs me $5 and it is just not worthwhile to spend $5 to buy one or two hours of sleep. And I am lazy to think of ways of explaining to the teacher about my absence. 

This period of preparing for A-levels is truly enjoyable, though I still hate having lessons and doing homework. I am glad to have a bunch of really nice friends around me. They may not be the nicest or the smartest people on the Earth, but they are good people who deserve to succeed in life. And somehow, I think we all look pretty in school uniform.

Another random and messy post. But life is never tidy and structured. Yup, so this is my life.

朋友啊朋友

我知道你知道，只是你不知道我知道你知道。=)

没想到，一个朋友会因为我说了自己对他一些举动的不满而那么生气。我谢谢他也那么直接地说出这么久以来他对我的看法，至少我总算明白了。

我那个朋友说，他知道我一直以来不喜欢他这个朋友，他学习有困难时我刻意不帮他，因为害怕他会比我好，还说我瞧不起他。他也生气我，说我哪一科已经考得比他好，却依然不开心。

这事情让我很难过。

我不知道他是怎么“知道”我不喜欢他的。他的这句话让我很无奈。当然，我承认，我没有大方得"喜欢"身边朋友的每一个缺点。我偶尔会对他有些不满，但我都直接让他知道了，之后就再也没有生气他了，除了一件事，我一直放在心上。但那件事并没有让我去讨厌这个朋友，毕竟他没有做错什么，只是我依然有个打不开的心结。所以我想说，你误会了。

学业的问题，朋友说，要我问他问题，考一考他。我真的问了，可能每次问的不多，那是因为我也不知道能问什么，问得太简单他是不是会感觉我瞧不起他？我懂得的也有限，去哪找那么多那么难的问题？所以当他说，“你不问我问题，是因为你怕我知道些什么，会让我变得比你好”时，我似乎也不能怪她，那么长一段时间的交情，换来的竟然是这种评价，是我的失败。

朋友说我瞧不起他。我怎么敢呢？他多才多艺，我什么都不会，我还怕他看不起我呐。

又回到成绩。因为我得了B而朋友没得B，那我就没有不开心的理由了？我不开心是因为不满意自己的成绩，只要成绩单上写的不是A（对一些人来说只要不是全级最佳），没有人会满意自己的成绩的。如果我仅仅因为自己考得比朋友好而感觉挺开心的话，那朋友不是更应该提防我这种人吗？

也不能怪这朋友，毕竟有这样想法的人不止他一个。当我告诉一些朋友说谁谁谁因为考了C，而不是很开心的时候，朋友就会马上很激动地说“我D ok？！”

这个世界挺可爱的。虽然说我们都要懂得惜福，但你总不能强迫人家以你的成绩为标准来决定自己要快乐还是难过吧？这些事情，不能直接说，说了就翻脸了。朋友们看了觉得我说错了，那就骂我几句吧。

但要提醒大家一点就是，我不会用你说的一句话来衡量你。


写了那么长，是因为我真的很难过，毕竟这是我很珍惜的一个朋友。他不开心不如意的时候我尝试帮他，或是至少听他诉苦，但他始终不相信我，还当着我的面说：“我在这里没有朋友。”。

我也没有办法做什么了。

Whatever you think I am talking about

I thought I have a lot to write, but there isn't much to share here actually. My blog is depressing enough so I guess it is time to stop complaining here.

Now we are going back to school for normal lessons. Six more weeks to A-levels but I am not ready to start studying yet. The teachers are good, friends are nice and the weather is ok. Everything is fine and I was able to concentrate in class for the past two days though the results were demoralising. Perhaps I should really stop dreaming about getting whichever scholarships to bring me out of Singapore. 

If you hate me simply because you think that I should not be sad over my results, go ahead. I won't care because everyone has the right to decide how they feel about their own things. 

I am reading this book about a girl, Jasmine Yow, a Malaysian scholar who was studying in my school a few years back and was (is still) suffering from depression. It sort of motivated me because I can't afford to become like her. I simply do not have the money to go back and take up a course in some private college if I don't do well. She is really a very talented girl and you just cannot deny the fact that Singapore had, to some extent, ruined the life of a smart and beautiful teenager. 

Oh no, it is getting depressing again. I should actually feel lucky that I am not suffering from any mental disorders at this stage and can still think positive about life. Most importantly, I do not have parents who set really high expectations on me. I always remember mum telling me to sleep and rest and not to push myself too hard. 

Being a good daughter, I actually listen to her and slept for 3 hours just now. I always wonder if someone has put some hypnotic drug in my room. My roommate slept even longer than me.

Rest for 2 more days and I will start studying. It is gonna be December soon. :)

Lies

What do you do when someone is lying to you and it is so obvious that he/she is lying?

I just do not understand why is there a need to hide the truth from me. I don't really care about whatever the truth is but I just don't get the reason why you lied to me.

Whatever. It is not the first time anyway.




What I am gonna do next is to play for a few days, plan my timetable for the coming 2 months and....STUDY.
21/40 for Chemistry MCQ. It is a D grade. Just hoping that no one in the world knows that I am actually a H3 Chemistry student. I was talking to my friend and once I get back the paper, I think I was mute for at least half and hour. I thought the paper was ok and should be able to get at least a C or B. Perhaps I just overestimated myself. So it's time to face the truth. I am not smart and the only way to get good results is to study hard (though I still do not really understand the point of getting good results). Still, I have to get it, just in case I regret in the future.


Sometimes we lie to ourselves by saying that it's ok and everything will be fine. When we are not even being honest to ourselves, how can we expect others to be honest to us? So I should forgive the friend who lied to me. Yeah.


This post is messy. It doesn't matter if you do not understand. Haha..