我是个幸运的人

我经常会觉得 我是个很幸运的人
我应该不算是特别好的一个人
但在我生命中的每一个阶段
却总会有一些关心我 爱护我 想帮助我的人出现
有时是朋友 有时是老师 有时还会是我从没见过的陌生人

走到今天 我想我不是人群中最优秀的那一个
但这些人 即使我跟他们相处的日子似乎都不长
但这一段一段短短的日子
却让我一点一点地学会更成熟地看待事物
把社会看得更透彻一点
让我懂得多一点点

这几个星期我都在想
Welfare Committee Head
这听起来还不错的名字
对我到底会是件好事还是坏事

当资金还没批下来却必须开始搞活动的时候
当夹在老师与其它committee成员之间不是如何是好的时候
当被迫做一些自己不想做的事情的时候
我真的想过辞职
但有时候
被老师唠叨完以后
我竟然会觉得我需要谢谢这老师
这过程 确实是让我成长的重要机会
虽然有时还是会觉得有这种想法的自己有点变态
但我却又庆幸自己一次又一次的是那么的幸运

虽然我现在考试考不好
作业写不完
感觉前途有点迷茫
但总有一天
我要好好谢谢这群曾经给过我那么多的人


今天是个好日子

E for Econs

I always told myself not to feel sad for getting not very good results

so that I could sleep well at night

I had really good sleep for the past two weeks

so I thought I could accept myself being a not very smart student

today, during econs lesson

Mr Hussain gave out worksheets to the two H3 research students

Then I was the 3^rd one who received the worksheet

He didn’t say anything like ‘You are weak so you have to do this’

But I just feel lousy

The H3 students have to do the worksheet because they did not take the common test and it is for them to practise

But I took the common test

He told Benardette and Daniel Chia who topped the class for this test not to do this worksheet as it is wasting their time

It just means that I am the extremely opposite of them

Because I got an E for econs

Of course I know E is a lousy grade

But the feeling is really bad when someone tells you that you are lousy

I am not blaming Mr Hussain for making me feel bad

He is a good teacher

I could understand almost everything he said for the past few tutorials

I just want to say that I didn’t feel good

And I know I am not good

so I will do the worksheet

从好久以前到今天

这个月事情有点多

每次想写 却又不知从何写起

今天

就从六月份的事情写起

（1）竞选古筝执委 还是华会执委？

华会比较器重我  但这两年就只在华会演演戏没什么意义

当上古筝执委机会不太大 但我不希望学了这乐器一半就放弃

填了两个学会的竞选表格  交了

还在同一天的一个小时内 去了两方的面试

也不知道当时自己是凭着什么会有勇气竞选两个演艺团体的执委的

蛮满佩服作这决定时的自己的

但我又退缩了

我害怕竞选两个执委所将遭来的闲言闲语

我害怕自己没有那么大的能力去同时应付两个SYF

我害怕以后必须在两者间做出选择

所以最后我选择了古筝

直到今天 我偶尔还是会恨最后那个懦弱的自己

尤其是华会负责老师打电话向我确认原因的时候

我很坚决地告诉主席我不选了

且当时我非常确定自己的决定没错

这个温老师

她让我觉得自己错了

我听见她的失望

我觉得我又再次让对我有期望的人失望了

温老师

可以说是我升上初院以后遇见的 唯一一个 疼我的老师

想到她 我会至少觉得有点安慰

那通电话之后 

我清楚 我失去她了

我依然选择古筝

她让我参加演讲比赛 我以古筝的名义拒绝了

回到古筝吧

这竞选的过程简直就是一马拉松

就选个执委 竟然拖了三个月 

明天原本是候选人发表各自竞选演讲的日子

但又延期了

延至什么时候 没人知道

希望这竞选一切顺利

否则对华会的人来说 这中途为了古筝退出的我将是一大笑话

就一件事 竟让我写得那么长。。。

（2）我的第一次考试

我班确实有点变态

物理化学经济全级最佳都在我班

原可以欣然接受自己那还可以的成绩

但活在这群人身边

让我觉得自卑

也无奈

（3）Welfare Committee

直到今天 我还是不知道老师是怎么会选上我当这committee 的 head 的

说我虚荣也好 贪权也可以

我没有拒绝

就跟我自己不明白老师为何会选我的想法一样

有些人 或是说我在意的人

似乎认为这是我向老师争取的职位

我唯一澄清的办法 就是写“just to clarify"那篇

当然 这所谓的head 很不好当

负责老师有点难缠

什么都要跟着规则走

还得空就跟我说”i don't want problems, i want solutions"

对他无语

现在 我每个礼拜都在找正版DVD for 不知为何一开始要办的Movie Night

我就借多一个月

还是没钱让我去租 我 就 不 干！

（4）这件事让我有点很难受

我觉得我对朋友的期望不高 甚至没什么期望

也许我一直都不相信或是找不到理由要朋友全心全意对自己好

或是任何时候为自己不顾一切

所以当朋友对我有着较高的期望

我似乎没有办法达到

我经常觉得自己在这种事情上没有错

该做的事情 我自认我都做了

这一刻 我还是觉得自己没错 但我知道不够好

没有好到达到期望

原谅我 

如果在你需要帮助的时候 我没有出现

如果即使是个书包或是文件夹 我都没帮你拿过

如果在你生气难过的时候 我竟然不知道怎么安慰你

如果我们有意见冲突的时候 我没有退让

我没有办法确保你一切顺利 因为我自己都照顾不好自己

我不知道怎么接下去写了

只是觉得 我不是一个好朋友

Take good care of yourself, please..

Just to clarify

All of you think that I went to apply to be this Welfare Committee people? I DIDN’T. I didn’t even know there is such thing in the boarding school. I just suddenly received a message from Ms Chan after my physics paper saying ‘Congratulation! You have been selected as a boarding leader….’ I also wish to know what exactly was happening. No wonder none of you asked me how I got into the committee or things like that. Erm…I just feel a bit disappointed when I found out how all of you think about me form Huei Ling. What makes you think that I am that kind of person who will go and get a position for myself secretly without telling anyone? Maybe I am just not good enough, I guess.

The first Movie Night: The movie would start at 2000. At 1900, we found that the air con in the seminar room was not working and we (most of the time, the teachers) were like rushing everywhere to find out the cause and to seek for help. Fortunately, the security guard successfully helped us to fix to problem at around 1945.

Then, I did something that I had never done in my whole life. I went room by room asking everyone if they would like to watch the movie. I think I looked really pathetic. But I am fine. At least I learnt something. Thank you Zhuang Wen and Huei Ling for coming! I feel a bit sorry because the movie wasn’t as nice as expected. But really, thank you for being so supportiveJ

There were around 20~30 people who went for the movie screening. It’s still far far away from my target, but it is just the beginning. I hope things will get better. Jia you!