一个人

一个人拿着杯珍珠奶茶在街上漫无目的地走着

其实很好玩

今天原本是在图书馆读书的

结果不知是因为感冒还是什么一直无法专心

六点多就离开了

之后就在bugis到处乱逛

虽然伤风伤得我头有少少的痛

鼻子又红眼又肿

独自一个人走在街上可能看起来就像个失恋的女人

管那些谁怎么想

看着一个个陌生的脸从我身边经过

还有那些装潢很漂亮但没什么生意的店铺

当时有点希望自己可以一直这样一个人地走着

后来心情突然变得很好

不过我依然希望

那个突然不回我短讯的人

明天走在路上被狗追

然后撞到电灯柱

再掉进满是青蛙的沟渠里

能忍则忍

I am thankful that my parents have taught me well, to be polite even when facing those rude and inconsiderate people. When I feel like being vulgar to them, I can still SMILE at them.

I love GP

I went for consultation with my GP tutor this morning. It was my first formal consultation with a teacher since I enter JC. Er…no…First formal consultation in my life actually. Because of my terrible GP results, my GP tutor did ask to go through some essay questions with me when she came to my boarding school during some weekends. But we ended up talking more about some other random stuff rather than GP.

I actually signed up for today’s consultation with Xiaojun but she decided to abandon me and go for Economics lesson instead. So I was alone with Ms Khoo. Then we started going through my two essay plans. For the first one which I spent one hour preparing, I think she felt that I was writing mostly irrelevant stuff and my approach was like ‘wrong’. So we were redoing that question. Hmm…guess what…our final approach for that question was just the same as my initial way of answering it. But to her (or maybe to any GP teachers), they are different. That is also why I could never score well for GP.

For the second essay, I didn’t dare to show her my plan because I did not want to see the ‘oh no, she is hopeless’ face again. So I was telling her why educational qualifications are reliable or unreliable in measuring a person’s true abilities. Luckily she did not show me the disappointing face anymore.

Yeah….GP I love you. 

让我埋怨一下

刚刚问妆玟如果她突然跟她妈说不想上大学了
她妈妈会有什么反应
妆玟说她应该会蛮ok的
反正她以后要做的事情跟上不上大学没什么关系


其实我会问她那么奇怪的一个问题
是因为我这几天一直在想我到底要做什么
更是发现了我真的不喜欢读书
我没有那种‘求知欲’
我一直都在读是因为我必须读
因为没有办法想象不好好读的后果
我应该承受不起

三星期后就开始考试了
在宿舍没法专心读
到外面去大部分时间我都在张白纸上乱涂鸦
真的不知道自己到底在做什么
其实没有考到自己想要的成绩  就不能活了吗？
上了什么著名大学就算是成功了吗？


好了
说完了
你们知道的
不管我埋怨了多少
我就是不会有那个勇气不去读的


所以叻
我妈应该不可能听到我很认真地说我不想上大学了

呵呵
恢复正常吧  芷欣

Ignore me

I was angry because I still care about it.
When I have no feeling towards anything anymore, it simply means that I don't care anymore.



Stop guessing what I mean.

Ponteng :P

Good morning. So I am 'sick' today. And I realise this place where I have been staying for 1.5 years is actually a prison.

If you are staying in my boarding school, when you are sick and are not going to school, you have to report to the office at 7.30am so they will know that you are sick. But I happily slept until 8am today.

If you do not report, a matron will come up to your room to check whether you are alive. They will know that you are still in the boarding school because you have to tap your card to get the doors open and to leave the hostel. Basically they can track your location at a specific time if you ever use your card to open a door. And there are doors everywhere in the boarding school!

So the Curtain Lady (her hair looks like curtain) came to my room when my friend called and told me that they would come and find me. And I was still wrapped in my blanket. 'Chew Zhi Xin, Chew Zhi Xin. It's 8.30am already. So how?' I felt like telling her, 'What so how? CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM SICK?' Looking 'sick' and sleepy, I told her, 'Erm...I am...sick.'

She didn't even ask me how I am feeling. Then she went on and said things like 'Do you know that you have to report at 7.30' and 'I give you a chance and you go and report now.' Hello, if people are really sick do you think they will be able to go down and report to you?! But interestingly, most people who are 'sick' do go down.

That's not the end of the story. You still have to get a medical certificate and submit it to the office. I thought it is only the teachers' duty to check MC. My friend said his friend 'died' because he didn't get a MC last time. To make sure that I will still be alive to enjoy my holiday after these 2 months, I decided not to take any risks.


Going to see doctor now. Bye!

生命不在于长短 而在于价值

周四放学回到宿舍  打开电脑

Facebook Newsfeed 出现无数个R.I.P Steve Jobs

一个传奇人物的离去总是那么的让人震惊

大家都说希望他R.I.P

但当你的名字或是你说过的话没五秒就被Copy & Paste 在Facebook 上

你还能Rest in Peace 吗？

抱歉Steve Jobs

我也在打扰你

因为我也像大家那么佩服你

主要不是因为你的Apple

而是你让我看见

生命不在于长短  而在于价值

It is Thursday again

It is Thursday again and tomorrow is a Friday.

I was like telling the world that I wanted to skip school today. Eventually, I woke up at 8.10am, stoned on my bed for 5 minutes and decided to go to school. School starts at 8.40am on Thursdays.

Joping didn’t go to school for two days and it was Xiaojun’s turn today. Joping and I had a good chat as we camped at the OAC store during Math lecture. After recharging herself at home for two days, she has really become more energetic. I always believe that it is useful to skip school for one or two days but an MC costs me $5 and it is just not worthwhile to spend $5 to buy one or two hours of sleep. And I am lazy to think of ways of explaining to the teacher about my absence. 

This period of preparing for A-levels is truly enjoyable, though I still hate having lessons and doing homework. I am glad to have a bunch of really nice friends around me. They may not be the nicest or the smartest people on the Earth, but they are good people who deserve to succeed in life. And somehow, I think we all look pretty in school uniform.

Another random and messy post. But life is never tidy and structured. Yup, so this is my life.

Timetable

Sometimes I wonder why do I always fail to follow my timetable, even if I allow myself to read only one topic in three hours. Now I realise it is because there is no sufficient time allocated for me to be emotional, happy or simply to stare at the ceiling thinking of who I am.

It is ok to allow myself to be lazy. At least I am not a robot.

Tomorrow will be another good day, no matter whether it is productive or not. =)

我想死啊！

从来没试过那么想杀了自己
打了那么多
结果不知发什么神经
手多按了Ctrl + W
然后当那个”Do you want to save your changes to the file" 跳出来的时候
我竟然按了"No"
真想杀了自己！

朋友啊朋友

我知道你知道，只是你不知道我知道你知道。=)

没想到，一个朋友会因为我说了自己对他一些举动的不满而那么生气。我谢谢他也那么直接地说出这么久以来他对我的看法，至少我总算明白了。

我那个朋友说，他知道我一直以来不喜欢他这个朋友，他学习有困难时我刻意不帮他，因为害怕他会比我好，还说我瞧不起他。他也生气我，说我哪一科已经考得比他好，却依然不开心。

这事情让我很难过。

我不知道他是怎么“知道”我不喜欢他的。他的这句话让我很无奈。当然，我承认，我没有大方得"喜欢"身边朋友的每一个缺点。我偶尔会对他有些不满，但我都直接让他知道了，之后就再也没有生气他了，除了一件事，我一直放在心上。但那件事并没有让我去讨厌这个朋友，毕竟他没有做错什么，只是我依然有个打不开的心结。所以我想说，你误会了。

学业的问题，朋友说，要我问他问题，考一考他。我真的问了，可能每次问的不多，那是因为我也不知道能问什么，问得太简单他是不是会感觉我瞧不起他？我懂得的也有限，去哪找那么多那么难的问题？所以当他说，“你不问我问题，是因为你怕我知道些什么，会让我变得比你好”时，我似乎也不能怪她，那么长一段时间的交情，换来的竟然是这种评价，是我的失败。

朋友说我瞧不起他。我怎么敢呢？他多才多艺，我什么都不会，我还怕他看不起我呐。

又回到成绩。因为我得了B而朋友没得B，那我就没有不开心的理由了？我不开心是因为不满意自己的成绩，只要成绩单上写的不是A（对一些人来说只要不是全级最佳），没有人会满意自己的成绩的。如果我仅仅因为自己考得比朋友好而感觉挺开心的话，那朋友不是更应该提防我这种人吗？

也不能怪这朋友，毕竟有这样想法的人不止他一个。当我告诉一些朋友说谁谁谁因为考了C，而不是很开心的时候，朋友就会马上很激动地说“我D ok？！”

这个世界挺可爱的。虽然说我们都要懂得惜福，但你总不能强迫人家以你的成绩为标准来决定自己要快乐还是难过吧？这些事情，不能直接说，说了就翻脸了。朋友们看了觉得我说错了，那就骂我几句吧。

但要提醒大家一点就是，我不会用你说的一句话来衡量你。


写了那么长，是因为我真的很难过，毕竟这是我很珍惜的一个朋友。他不开心不如意的时候我尝试帮他，或是至少听他诉苦，但他始终不相信我，还当着我的面说：“我在这里没有朋友。”。

我也没有办法做什么了。

心情

现在这种到底是什么心情啊

难过无奈不安全参杂在一起

真想倒下睡着后再也不醒来

相信你的感觉

Trust your feeling, especially when you are undecided.

I totally forgot about preparing an Econs essay which Mr Hussian said he would be going through in class today. It was during morning assembly when Xiaojun told me that we had to do that question so I ended up scribbling my ‘plan’ for the essay during Chemistry lesson and I was sitting right at the first row. I had never chosen to do work for other subjects during lessons since I entered JC but somehow the feeling was just so strong that I had to force myself to do Econs in front of my Chemistry teacher despite the disapproval in my friends’ eyes.

Then during Econs lesson, Mr Hussain put his whiteboard marker on my desk, meaning, I had to write my answer on the board. It is really rare that he would do that in class. Although my answer really lacked analysis, at least I had sensible things to write. Otherwise, it would have been a huge embarrassment for me.

So, trust your feeling, as long as it is not asking you to kill or to rob.

I am still trying to figure out what went wrong after getting back my Math papers today. I felt ok after doing Paper 1 and felt horrible after Paper 2. Yet, the scores for my both papers were exactly the same.

Hmm…so, the conclusion is, you may count on your feelings to make decisions but they are not that useful when it comes to predicting your own results.

Okay, time to go back to study. Hope I don’t get anymore demoralising results tomorrow.

Whatever you think I am talking about

I thought I have a lot to write, but there isn't much to share here actually. My blog is depressing enough so I guess it is time to stop complaining here.

Now we are going back to school for normal lessons. Six more weeks to A-levels but I am not ready to start studying yet. The teachers are good, friends are nice and the weather is ok. Everything is fine and I was able to concentrate in class for the past two days though the results were demoralising. Perhaps I should really stop dreaming about getting whichever scholarships to bring me out of Singapore. 

If you hate me simply because you think that I should not be sad over my results, go ahead. I won't care because everyone has the right to decide how they feel about their own things. 

I am reading this book about a girl, Jasmine Yow, a Malaysian scholar who was studying in my school a few years back and was (is still) suffering from depression. It sort of motivated me because I can't afford to become like her. I simply do not have the money to go back and take up a course in some private college if I don't do well. She is really a very talented girl and you just cannot deny the fact that Singapore had, to some extent, ruined the life of a smart and beautiful teenager. 

Oh no, it is getting depressing again. I should actually feel lucky that I am not suffering from any mental disorders at this stage and can still think positive about life. Most importantly, I do not have parents who set really high expectations on me. I always remember mum telling me to sleep and rest and not to push myself too hard. 

Being a good daughter, I actually listen to her and slept for 3 hours just now. I always wonder if someone has put some hypnotic drug in my room. My roommate slept even longer than me.

Rest for 2 more days and I will start studying. It is gonna be December soon. :)

Lies

What do you do when someone is lying to you and it is so obvious that he/she is lying?

I just do not understand why is there a need to hide the truth from me. I don't really care about whatever the truth is but I just don't get the reason why you lied to me.

Whatever. It is not the first time anyway.




What I am gonna do next is to play for a few days, plan my timetable for the coming 2 months and....STUDY.
21/40 for Chemistry MCQ. It is a D grade. Just hoping that no one in the world knows that I am actually a H3 Chemistry student. I was talking to my friend and once I get back the paper, I think I was mute for at least half and hour. I thought the paper was ok and should be able to get at least a C or B. Perhaps I just overestimated myself. So it's time to face the truth. I am not smart and the only way to get good results is to study hard (though I still do not really understand the point of getting good results). Still, I have to get it, just in case I regret in the future.


Sometimes we lie to ourselves by saying that it's ok and everything will be fine. When we are not even being honest to ourselves, how can we expect others to be honest to us? So I should forgive the friend who lied to me. Yeah.


This post is messy. It doesn't matter if you do not understand. Haha..