朋友啊朋友

我知道你知道，只是你不知道我知道你知道。=)

没想到，一个朋友会因为我说了自己对他一些举动的不满而那么生气。我谢谢他也那么直接地说出这么久以来他对我的看法，至少我总算明白了。

我那个朋友说，他知道我一直以来不喜欢他这个朋友，他学习有困难时我刻意不帮他，因为害怕他会比我好，还说我瞧不起他。他也生气我，说我哪一科已经考得比他好，却依然不开心。

这事情让我很难过。

我不知道他是怎么“知道”我不喜欢他的。他的这句话让我很无奈。当然，我承认，我没有大方得"喜欢"身边朋友的每一个缺点。我偶尔会对他有些不满，但我都直接让他知道了，之后就再也没有生气他了，除了一件事，我一直放在心上。但那件事并没有让我去讨厌这个朋友，毕竟他没有做错什么，只是我依然有个打不开的心结。所以我想说，你误会了。

学业的问题，朋友说，要我问他问题，考一考他。我真的问了，可能每次问的不多，那是因为我也不知道能问什么，问得太简单他是不是会感觉我瞧不起他？我懂得的也有限，去哪找那么多那么难的问题？所以当他说，“你不问我问题，是因为你怕我知道些什么，会让我变得比你好”时，我似乎也不能怪她，那么长一段时间的交情，换来的竟然是这种评价，是我的失败。

朋友说我瞧不起他。我怎么敢呢？他多才多艺，我什么都不会，我还怕他看不起我呐。

又回到成绩。因为我得了B而朋友没得B，那我就没有不开心的理由了？我不开心是因为不满意自己的成绩，只要成绩单上写的不是A（对一些人来说只要不是全级最佳），没有人会满意自己的成绩的。如果我仅仅因为自己考得比朋友好而感觉挺开心的话，那朋友不是更应该提防我这种人吗？

也不能怪这朋友，毕竟有这样想法的人不止他一个。当我告诉一些朋友说谁谁谁因为考了C，而不是很开心的时候，朋友就会马上很激动地说“我D ok？！”

这个世界挺可爱的。虽然说我们都要懂得惜福，但你总不能强迫人家以你的成绩为标准来决定自己要快乐还是难过吧？这些事情，不能直接说，说了就翻脸了。朋友们看了觉得我说错了，那就骂我几句吧。

但要提醒大家一点就是，我不会用你说的一句话来衡量你。


写了那么长，是因为我真的很难过，毕竟这是我很珍惜的一个朋友。他不开心不如意的时候我尝试帮他，或是至少听他诉苦，但他始终不相信我，还当着我的面说：“我在这里没有朋友。”。

我也没有办法做什么了。

心情

现在这种到底是什么心情啊

难过无奈不安全参杂在一起

真想倒下睡着后再也不醒来

相信你的感觉

Trust your feeling, especially when you are undecided.

I totally forgot about preparing an Econs essay which Mr Hussian said he would be going through in class today. It was during morning assembly when Xiaojun told me that we had to do that question so I ended up scribbling my ‘plan’ for the essay during Chemistry lesson and I was sitting right at the first row. I had never chosen to do work for other subjects during lessons since I entered JC but somehow the feeling was just so strong that I had to force myself to do Econs in front of my Chemistry teacher despite the disapproval in my friends’ eyes.

Then during Econs lesson, Mr Hussain put his whiteboard marker on my desk, meaning, I had to write my answer on the board. It is really rare that he would do that in class. Although my answer really lacked analysis, at least I had sensible things to write. Otherwise, it would have been a huge embarrassment for me.

So, trust your feeling, as long as it is not asking you to kill or to rob.

I am still trying to figure out what went wrong after getting back my Math papers today. I felt ok after doing Paper 1 and felt horrible after Paper 2. Yet, the scores for my both papers were exactly the same.

Hmm…so, the conclusion is, you may count on your feelings to make decisions but they are not that useful when it comes to predicting your own results.

Okay, time to go back to study. Hope I don’t get anymore demoralising results tomorrow.

Whatever you think I am talking about

I thought I have a lot to write, but there isn't much to share here actually. My blog is depressing enough so I guess it is time to stop complaining here.

Now we are going back to school for normal lessons. Six more weeks to A-levels but I am not ready to start studying yet. The teachers are good, friends are nice and the weather is ok. Everything is fine and I was able to concentrate in class for the past two days though the results were demoralising. Perhaps I should really stop dreaming about getting whichever scholarships to bring me out of Singapore. 

If you hate me simply because you think that I should not be sad over my results, go ahead. I won't care because everyone has the right to decide how they feel about their own things. 

I am reading this book about a girl, Jasmine Yow, a Malaysian scholar who was studying in my school a few years back and was (is still) suffering from depression. It sort of motivated me because I can't afford to become like her. I simply do not have the money to go back and take up a course in some private college if I don't do well. She is really a very talented girl and you just cannot deny the fact that Singapore had, to some extent, ruined the life of a smart and beautiful teenager. 

Oh no, it is getting depressing again. I should actually feel lucky that I am not suffering from any mental disorders at this stage and can still think positive about life. Most importantly, I do not have parents who set really high expectations on me. I always remember mum telling me to sleep and rest and not to push myself too hard. 

Being a good daughter, I actually listen to her and slept for 3 hours just now. I always wonder if someone has put some hypnotic drug in my room. My roommate slept even longer than me.

Rest for 2 more days and I will start studying. It is gonna be December soon. :)

Lies

What do you do when someone is lying to you and it is so obvious that he/she is lying?

I just do not understand why is there a need to hide the truth from me. I don't really care about whatever the truth is but I just don't get the reason why you lied to me.

Whatever. It is not the first time anyway.




What I am gonna do next is to play for a few days, plan my timetable for the coming 2 months and....STUDY.
21/40 for Chemistry MCQ. It is a D grade. Just hoping that no one in the world knows that I am actually a H3 Chemistry student. I was talking to my friend and once I get back the paper, I think I was mute for at least half and hour. I thought the paper was ok and should be able to get at least a C or B. Perhaps I just overestimated myself. So it's time to face the truth. I am not smart and the only way to get good results is to study hard (though I still do not really understand the point of getting good results). Still, I have to get it, just in case I regret in the future.


Sometimes we lie to ourselves by saying that it's ok and everything will be fine. When we are not even being honest to ourselves, how can we expect others to be honest to us? So I should forgive the friend who lied to me. Yeah.


This post is messy. It doesn't matter if you do not understand. Haha..
 

Just some random updates

There are simply too many things to blog about.

Firstly, Prelims is over as I finished the H3 Pharmaceautical Chemistry paper which I have planned to fail. In fact I think last year paper was harder but assuming that I could score 15/100 for last year’s Prelim, I am happy enough if I can get 30/100 for the paper today. I am not exaggerating. I got 25/100 for my Common Test.

Most of my friends finished their paper on Monday and I was really bored staying in the Boarding School, so I actually went for dinner with a friend from another school on Monday. He was actually having Physcis paper 3 on the next day but we still had dinner until 8.30pm. It doesn’t really matter to him I guess cauz he is just smart enough to do well without doing much revision. Haha…Anyway, my main point is just that Malaysians are always the nicest people to talk to, and there are endless topics to talk about when Malaysians come together (maybe there are some exceptions, I don’t know).

Watched 2 movies continuously today. ‘Crazy Stupid Love’ and ‘Final Destination 5’. ‘Crazy’ was funny and worth watching. Somehow I remember this line from one very insignificant guy to his girlfriend in the show the most – ‘I need time to figure out how I feel about us.’ The girl should have scolded him asshole or anything more than that. Haha…’Final’ was the second movie. Perhaps it’s because we were too tired watching two movies continuously, it wasn’t that nice to watch. I think people nowadays are just crazy or have some kind of mental disorders. They try to entertain themselves by making or watching movie about people dying in different ways. 

By the way, the guy checking the tickets at the entrance asked whether I was 18. I wanted to tell him that I am about to be 20. But it is a good thing that I look young. Lalala…

I will just stop here today. Quite a lot of things happened in these two weeks but I am not in the mood of writing so much yet.

School starts tomorrow L  and I hate it when I have to sit in class or LT listening to people blablabla about how to score in exams.

加油啊！

I am scared

and my heat beats really quickly, especially when I am trying to sleep

it takes really long for me to fall asleep every night

I am eating chocolate trying to make myself relax

it is quite stupid because dopamine is just going to make me more excited

and my heart continues to beat quickly

Finally I called home

Mum answered the phone and we chatted for a while

I think it is getting ok.

I know I am not the only one feeling scared

Jiayou, all my dear friends (Joping, Xiaojun, Zhuangwen, Qianying, Qiyuen, Bernadette, Yeeching and Zhang Yue)

8 more papers to go! 

多管闲事

我向来不喜欢管他人的事情

只要对方不主动开口问

朋友怎么处理自己个人的问题我也不喜欢多给意见

但有一天

我发现

如果自己不开口

你可能永远都不会意识到自己的问题

所以我提醒你

希望再也不会听见任何对你负面的评价

你好像明白了

但你的行动却告诉我你没有明白

我以为是我没说清楚

所以我又一再地提醒

但你似乎根本没有想过要改变

可能你有自己的原因

可能我了解事情得不够全面

但是在我知道所谓的你的原因之前

我会继续把你看成是个自私的人

为了个人的目标可以变得很自私的人

也许我会再提醒你最后一次

但我以后真的不想管你了

因为我不喜欢失望的感觉

这样的过程

只让我对一个多年的朋友感到越来越陌生

我真心希望你达到自己的目标

我想知道你会想要与谁分享

更想知道会有谁真心愿意分享你的喜悦

我不会像以前那样

听到你跟我报告好消息时

打从心底为你开心

除非在那之前你让我看见你的改变

祝你好运

我不想考了

又是让人心灰意冷的一次考试

Most probably I wrote out of point for GP composition

And I didn't finish writing for Econs

Ya...Hussain will say that if you give me 3 hours I also will not be able to finish

but my 'didn't finish' means I didn't even meet the requirements for that question

the question which Hussain said was "very easy right? We went through in class and you just go in and write"

erm....no time = not easy, okay....

Anyway, like what he said

we should just move on and not think about those papers anymore

I hope I can...

最近竟然失眠了。。。

Lion

同学说这个月马来西亚人到新加坡动物园可享有50%折扣

突然让我想起我还没见到的狮子

呵呵

可惜这个月预考

看来我与狮子真是没缘

等我

总有一天我们会见面的

生存

要生存呢

就是要在适当的时候说适当的话

只要不伤天害理

必要时还必须耍些小手段

社会越来越现实

学校果然是在为学生未来在社会上的生活奠定基础

好消息是

我可以回家了!

我回不回家还要让你管？

不好意思

又要发牢骚了

我那么大的一个人

你可以说十八岁还不算非常的成熟

可是我学校假期要回家三天都不能被批准吗？

回家就回家啊

还需要跟你报告回家的理由？

不然你告诉我你每天下班之后为什么要回家叻？

这什么世界？！

Not so depressing anymore

其实我还蛮享受现在的生活的

简单有规律又不颓废

至少我知道自己现在在做什么

我有可爱又搞笑的朋友

还有虽然已嫁了出去但依然对我很好的室友

我有能力为自己作决定解决问题

大部分时候我都可以选择要做些什么事

肚子饿的时候还有能力买食物吃

其实我现在真的过得很好

也喜欢现在所学的科目

只是知道四个月后我的生活将会有巨大改变

偶尔难免会慌张着急

会经过这里看看我的近况的朋友们

谢谢你们的关心

我正在好好地活着

也会继续好好地活着

: )

我凌乱的书桌

突然有一股冲动把我这桌上所有的东西收进个箱子里

然后烧掉

我的生活有够乱的

谢谢blogger

让我发泄了一下

YES I WAS OFFENDED IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE ANSWER