something's wrong

If you ask me, how I have been, I would say that I am quite fine. I’m comfortable with my timetable, the distance from my room to the school and most importantly, my bed. But, still, I feel that something is wrong.

I have never been talking to mum since Chinese New Year. Sometimes I hope I would be in the hostel forever so that I don’t have to think of going home and facing whatever that is happening in my family. Anyway, I will be on my journey home at 4.45am on Sunday morning.

I start to forget about people’s birthdays. I do not have some of my friends’ contacts in my new phone. I open and delete smses I receive without reading them or I read and forget to reply. I used to enjoy talking to a friend but now I don’t know what to talk to him.

I sit in the classroom or the lecture theatre looking at the board or screen and my mind goes blank. I stare at my assignment questions not knowing what to write. I feel stupid.

Sometimes I feel hungry but having food inside my mouth does not make me feel better. Yesterday, I realised I could not see clearly with my right eye but it is working quite well today. I did not understand how people would have headache and now, it comes to me.

I am afraid that I won’t be able to achieve what I want and I give up even before I try to know more about it. I had never dreamt of death but a few weeks ago I dreamt that I was dying and a few days ago I dreamt that someone closed to me (in the dream) died.

So, what’s wrong?

I don’t know. And it is 1.23am now. I better go to sleep. I used to be on the bed by 11pm.

Good night.