I have no shame

I said I wanted to write things that happen in my life on my blog.

Then i saw this quite famous Russian guy say that "only those despicable and ego people would shamelessly write things about themselves."

Oops...

乱七八糟

19/06/10 11.30pm

上床睡觉前，把闹钟调好让自己于隔天4.00am 起床，但却无法让自己睡着

之后竟然开始分析自己应不应该在四点钟起床搭火车回新

我给自己找到了不回去的理由：

提早一星期回宿舍的目的 是让自己准备开学后的考试

但我把所有的笔记作业都带回家了 我可以在家准备

所以 一点四十分

我起身 从收拾好的行李中找出那火车票

检查背后注明的换票规定

结果竟让我看见

‘Changes on travel date and/or time of departure and/or class is allowed once and subject to the following conditions;

Changes are made more than 24 hours before time of departure…’

也就是说，我不能火车出发前的三小时换票啦

但我可以买新的一张票

看着那写着RM27的车票

我就告诉自己 我的意愿 应该远比那RM27来得重要吧

就算我现在走进房间 跟妈说我想迟几天回去

她应该不会反对我为此多付RM27

她应该会说我神经病 但她应该不会介意请我吃多几天的早餐

弟一定会骂我痴线 但他应该也不会介意有个人跟他抢多几次沙发

爸也许会以为是我良心发现决定留下陪他过父亲节

所以虽然这样的决定有点白痴 但不会造成什么大问题的

但后来 理智的我却告诉自己我不会在家好好温习

所以我做了个在这种情况下很多人应该都会做的事

让天决定吧

我找了张纸 撕成两半

一半写了回去 一半不回

抽了一张

天告诉我我应该回去

对这个结果不是很满意

所以我给自己第二次机会

但那天还是叫我回去

所以我现在在这里了

每次搭火车来回家里及新加坡

都有种穿越时空的感觉

有时会觉得自己像是活在两个世界的人

每次放假之后

都会有一段情绪不稳定期

新年回家两三天后 在回新的路上

一定会很恨很恨新加坡政府

然后觉得我离开循中前忘了哪个老师说的“新加坡是个文化沙漠”这句话很没错

两年前 假期结束回到宿舍

都会有很强烈的 不要留在新加坡的念头

尤其是在六月假期后

去年六月 虽然还是不甘不愿地回到宿舍

但我坚信 熬过那半年 我就可以享受美好的JC生活

所以我好好地过完了那半年

现在 我做梦都期待的JC生活来了

但我却发现自己又开始像两年前那样为毕业倒数了

其实 我不是害怕上课

我是害怕自己难受

就像我不是害怕死亡

而是害怕死亡前那一刻的痛苦

所以当一学段剩下五星期

我会告诉自己还有四星期

因为我确定最后一个星期会过得很开心

其实我不介意当个没用的人

当个月入两三千的人

因为不管我变成谁

50年以后我还是一样会是个老太婆

而我相信我的后代不会去记得我的PW有没有得A

这篇乱七八糟的东西

看了就算了吧

我希望我可以尽快走到十年后

走到那个没有人会计较你在十七岁之前做了些什么的时候

那我就可以在这里

写写在幼稚园里惹出的笑话

写写跟小学同学一起闯祸的时候

写写我怎么在补习的一个小时半偷懒十五分钟

写写我初中一晚上睡不着会想起的那个人

写写我曾经很恨的老师

写写我曾经有过的志愿

写写我的初恋

写写我很珍惜但又不敢说的朋友

写写我怎么不做功课又逃过处罚

写写我曾经暗恋的那个同学

写写一些大家不在乎但却把我变成我的故事



那么二十年以后

我就还可以记得这些傻傻的事

所以当我孩子做错事时

我就可以找到理由   不生气他

You don't know what to write

You do weird things when you hate your mother, father, brothers and sister and anyone who makes you think of them

you want to talk to them to try to know what they are thinking and you don't want to talk to them

you go out bringing a bike with you but you push it instead of riding it

you sit on a bench at a park staring at an Indian man sweeping the leaves or grass for half an hour

you smile at a dog when it barks at you

you fill a Bundaberg bottle with cold water and drink it

you go on facebook to see everyone's picture and their friends' profiles

you stand in front of a mirror to see how you look like when you laugh, when you smile, when you frown and
when you stone

you google your own name to see who you are in the world

you try to say something to your primary school friends

you talk to someone who you have never been talking to for months and tell her that you miss her although
you don't

you lie on the bed and think whether your father, mother, brothers and sister will be something better if you
die now

you don't know what can make yourself die so you think it is easier to stay alive

you write stupid things on your blog but don't feel like deleting them

then you go to sleep....

I DON'T WANT TO DO GPP

I DON'T WANT TO GO FOR EXCO INTERVIEWS

I DON'T WANT TO PREPARE SPEECHES

I DON'T WANT TO FILL IN WHATEVER FORMS

I DON'T WANT TO GO FOR MATHS LECTURE

I DON'T WANT TO STUDY FOR THERMOPHYSICS QUIZ

I DON'T WANT TO DO ALL THE TUTORIALS

I DON'T WANT TO FIND A NEWSPAPER ARTICLE FOR ECONS

I DON'T WANT TO STUDY DURING THE HOLIDAYS

I DON'T WANT TO CLEAR MY TABLE

I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP

I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO ANYONE




I HATE YOU BIRD SHIT!!!



I am going to play pacman at http://www.google.com/pacman/

Slept at 0330 and woke up at 0800

I hope i won't fall asleep in class tomorrow.

ok....i just don't know how to take photos....

actually the view is quite nice especially when there is nobody around



GOOD MORNING....
but i think i am going back to sleep now....

Picnic 10-05-2010

Went for a picnic at East Coast Park with Madeline, Daniel, jie xiang, weng kin and chee chung on Monday and we watched sunrise!!! The real sunrise was actually very different from the one above.

Then, we went cycling!!!!!

                                  The Blue Team

                                The Red Team

And...we are The BIGGEST LOSERS....

In fact, I think we all didn’t lose but gain weight after eating what we had prepared the previous night.

After the preparation of the food, I had drawn a conclusion:

EVERYONE IS USEFUL

Some people may not know how to throw things at a correct angle but they are good at cutting garlic.

Some people may not know how to use a microwave but they can estimate and throw things from an accurate angle.

Some people may not know how to lift up the cover of a dustbin but they are good at mashing potatoes.

Some people may not be very good at cycling but they can fry nuggets using microwave.

Some people may not know how to fry an egg but they can drink water and cycle at the same time.

I am just trying to say that I AM USEFUL although I can’t fry an egg.

This post is a bit lame but I must say that this weekend was my best weekend in NJ so far. :)

I really didn't expect the Chinese Drama Night （叶串之声）to be so successful.
We had more than 100 errors during the last rehearsal
and i was expecting a lot of major problems with the props and lighting or actors forgetting their lines during the actual performance

in the end
i can say that the props and lighting were perfect
and the comments from the audience were "nice acting!", "you all did a great job!", "it's so much better that what i expected!"...
and Ms Woon said, "不知道大家今天怎么都那么入戏"
there are even people who commented that it's even better than HC's Huang Cheng and VJ's Hai Cheng

it was my first time acting on a stage
i thought i would be the one who spoil the whole performance
as most of the others who were playing the main roles were experienced performers
but after all, what i received from people, even from those who are not closed to me, was "芷欣，你演得好好哦！"
as a limping maid in the play, i was glad that i had started limping even 45 minutes before the performance
especially when Yi Le, my OGL during HCIBS orientation, who i had never been talking to for 2 years, came to me and said that "芷欣，你好好哦！真的很厉害！”

sorry for being so extremely proud of myself
but you feel great when you receive recognitions of your abilities

i am sure jiexiang would understand this
it was his first time controlling the lightings
and he had made it perfect!!!
thanks a lot..

i think the ones who deserve most acknowledgements were those helping out at the backstage
those who had spent so much of their time making the props
and giving out their best in moving those gigantic props up and down the stage
and yibuo who was helping us to make up
most of them are not from Chinese Drama
some are not even from CLDDS
but they came and did their best without expecting anything
Ye Chuan would not be a success without them

thanks yeeching, xiaojun, joping and lisin for coming and supporting
i hope the balloon and flowers will be able to survive in my room.. haha:)
and lizhu for treating hot fudge sundae though i couldn't finish it

thank you yanzhao for giving me this role
PA(jiexiang, donglam and two people that i don't know their names)
Ms Woon for telling me on wednesday that i didn't look like i was acting during the rehearsal
zhuang wen and madeline for giving me apples for me to learn to peel them
sijin for providing me all the water she had
zhang yue for helping me to memorize my lines
heru for telling me to relax before the performance
my directors (jingwen and zhuhe)
and everyone who had been supporting and encouraging throughout the preparation until the end of the performance

30/4/2010 - a day that i will remember for the rest of my life

也许你曾经每年成绩名列前茅 其他方面的实力都至少得到肯定

有一天   到另一个环境 你只会得到一部分人的认同

再到另一个环境 你会感觉自己是个反应迟钝什么都不会的人

你没有变

只是环境不同 对人的要求也不同

你可以在一方面有很卓越的表现

但在另一个地方

你这所谓的才能什么都不是

你不再看见别人对你点头

不再感觉有人在看着你

没有人知道你是谁

我没有恨这些环境的改变让我觉得自己越来越一无是处

我庆幸我比别人更早看见了这事实

至少 我不再躲在一个小角落

继续被眼前短期的现象欺骗自己

我可以说 到新加坡之前 我只见过两种人

直谅人是一种

循中的人大致上是另一种

在这里

你可以看见非常极端的性格

完全自私

完全冷漠

也有人平时亲切开朗 却会为自己的目标不择手段

有人完全不在乎他人感受

有人能了解他人感受但却还经常伤害他人

也有为朋友不顾一切的

有真正纯朴的

有看起来什么都不在乎但很细心的

etc

我有点庆幸自己提早把这世界看清楚一点

我也终于明白为什么有人喜欢把音乐开得很大声

戴着耳机 把音乐调至最大声

然后痛痛快快地哭一场

是我最近经常做的事

哭 可以不需要原因

哭过舒服就好

哭 也不代表懦弱

哭是调节心情的一种方法

当发现自己在一群人当中什么都不是的时候

老实说 我没有特别难过

我不曾要追求第一名

这是我一直以来最为自己感到骄傲的心态

得了第二名

我也不曾后悔自己把更多的时间花在其他事情上

只是身边朋友对于这所谓的退步的好奇

及老师看见我时对于这第二名的一声叹气

让我觉得难受 更痛恨他们的不理解

这是三年前的事情

至今

我没有对自己得第二名失望过

但我无法忘记大家给我这些反应时

我心中的愤怒

今天

没有人会看着我那不及格的经济学叹气

我不知道自己在身边的人的心目中是什么样子的

但我还是早上起床

泡杯milo

边喝边胡思乱想

Someone told me, it’s ok to trust people

We don’t have to doubt everything that people say or do to us

We can just choose to believe that everyone around us will not hurt us on purpose

Life would be better

I believed that you are not a bad person

And I trusted you

But look at what you have done to me

You won!

You have successfully made me feel disgusted

周六

谢谢大家的鼓励
虽然感觉上老师有点失望啦
但一切都比我想象中好得多



这应该会是结束了

即席演讲

我很记得 去年

我听见了讲堂内的掌声 我知道轮到我了

我走上台 我告诉自己要表现得从容

我甚至把做好得笔记放在台旁边

我相信自己不用笔记也能把该讲的讲好

当时的心情 还是忐忑的 但还是有着满满的信心

之后 在整个演讲的过程中 我甚至对自己心里的平静感到惊讶

从头到尾  我没有真正练习过即席演讲

那天的表现                                               

没有吃螺丝

有结构 有条理 丰富的例子

我觉得我没有让老师失望

我更没有让自己失望

今年 同一个比赛 不同的训练方式

有机会为即席的部分做准备

今天 第一次在老师面前做一次即席演讲

那三分钟内发生的事情

我只能说  我不像是个从小说中文长大的

舌头打结

每个句子都有结巴的部分

没内容

没结构

乱七八糟  完全不不知道自己要说些什么

我看见了老师的失望

我更有着让自己一头撞向墙的冲动

我知道老师对我有期望

背稿演讲 我应该还不错

上周 老师告诉我 我们去比赛 当然会想要有最好的成绩

今天 老师告诉我 不要紧张 没得奖没关系 我们从中也获得了不少

去年 我不记得我有抱着要得奖的心态到赛场

我对那比赛的水平 特别要求 一无所知

我不知道是什么让我站在台上能那么有信心

更不知道我现在在紧张些什么

我只能希望 这周六 我也不会让自己失望